Just For Fun

This is compiled from our visits to different sites around the internet as well as from emails that we have received from friends and family.

DECORATING WITH DOGS

Decorating when you have pets can provide unique opportunities to express your own personal style and taste. Here are some tips I'd like to share:

1. Bare floors, without carpet or throw rugs, can give a nice open feeling to a room. It can provide a soothing balance when you have many art objects that reflect your love of animals.

2. Paw prints and nose smudges on glass doors and windows break up glare and soften the light in a room.

3. Dog crates, when stacked three high, can add height to a room and pull the eye up. If fastened securely to the wall, the top can provide a safe and dramatic place for exotic plants or statuary that otherwise might be molested by your pets. An up light can make it a real focal point. Cats love to inhabit the upper crates, leaving the lower ones for the dogs.

4. Old towels and blankets thrown casually on upholstered furniture can add a wonderful homey, country-quilt look to an otherwise bland room.

5. Common smooth upholstery fabrics can look almost velvety when lightly textured with pet hair.

6. Vari-kennels, placed end to end and topped with plate glass can create an unusual coffee table, one your friends will really remember.

7. Doggie beds, randomly placed around a room, can add color and texture, much as throw pillows do.

8. Shredded or chewed books and magazines send a message to guests that they are free to relax and feel at home.

9. Dog crates can make versatile end tables, and can be slip covered to match any room decor.

10. There is absolutely nothing that makes a guest feel as welcome as three friendly dogs hopping in his lap as soon as he sits down.

So throw away those videos by Martha and others, and express your own unique tastes. Your home should reflect what YOU like!

TOP

Bath:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Bicycles:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves, and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Bump:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Deafness:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

Dog Bed:
Any soft, dean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

Drool:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

Garbage Can:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Goose Bump:
A maneuver to use as a lest resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require,....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See below.

Lean:
Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

Leash:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

Love:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Sniff:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

Sofas:
Are to dog like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

Thunder:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. Let's not forget exiting via windows, chewing door frames and clawing every door in the house!

Wastebasket:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

The Dog Version of "if"

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, for no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

How to give the cat a pill
How to give the dog a pill

How to give the cat a pill

How to give the cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give the dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you.

10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

A Dog's Christmas Promises

Christmas is for humans, and I will not ruin the surprises by opening all their presents.

Christmas light bulbs, Christmas ornaments, Christmas stockings, and tinsel from the Christmas tree are not food.

I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new Christmas rawhide from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when the wind chill is -10 F.

I will not demolish the Christmas tree and drag the string of lights out into the backyard through the doggy door.

I will not dive into the Christmas tree to get the candy canes (which I will eat -- paper and all).

I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until after they're out of the stocking!

I will not even THINK about going underneath the Christmas tree and piddling on the dining room rug.

I will not get into a fight with the bigger dog next door, making my human have to call the vet's at Christmas.

I will not get tangled up in the Christmas tree lights and pull the tree down while trying to get at a cat through the conservatory window.

I will not pee on Grandma's Christmas presents that are under her tree as soon as we enter her house.

I will not pee on the Christmas tree.

I will not steal the neighbor's Christmas light bulbs.

The bowl underneath the Christmas tree is not a dog dish. I will not drink from it. It will make me sick.

Who's God?

As a man was feeding his dog, the dog looked up at him and thought, "He takes care of me and meets my every need.  He must be God."

As the same man was feeding his cat, the cat looked up at him and thought, "He takes care of me and meets my every need.  I must be God."

- Anonymous